So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
