watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
