The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
