I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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