Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
this is an emotional support booty call
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
