Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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