I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
