I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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