i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
