did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
