I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize