hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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