I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
