I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
