I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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