with your own penis?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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