I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
