he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
