I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
