U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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