I think my fart just growled at me.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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