I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
