I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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