but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
