god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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