He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
