you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
