just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
