Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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