im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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