i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
