Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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