You're a womanizer and a bitch.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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