id be glad to
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
