I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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