you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
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