I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
