proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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