I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
