I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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