I met the friendliest cop last night
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You ate ashes out of my bong
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
