You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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