Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
