Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
