Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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