I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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