Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
No more Irish car bombs ever.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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