I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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