I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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