I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
