he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
