Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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