Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
