Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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