my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
